The Dream Shake - a Houston Rockets blog: Dunk Contest Recap by Kenny Smith

Monday, February 18, 2008

Dunk Contest Recap by Kenny Smith

Hey everyone, this is Kenny Smith, here to give you a little review of the NBA dunk contest! For some reason this contest really turned me into Stephen A. Smith and I wanted to scream my joy from the top of Mt. Everest.

I'm just going to skip over Rudy Gay's dunks as they were nice, but made me want to go home so that I didn't have to watch them. Those dunks just weren't going to get it done son.

JAMARIO, JAMARIO, JAMARIO, STARTS US OFF WITH A SENSATIONAL DUNK DOING A 360, THAT'S RIGHT A 360 DUNK THAT HE SELF ALLEY-OOPED OFF THE FLOOR, I WANTED TO GO HOME THINKING THE CONTEST WAS OVER RIGHT THEN AND THERE

THEN D-HO COMES OUT AND MAKES ME SHOUT, I WAS GOING TO GO HOME, PUNCH MY DOG AND THEN MAKE SWEET LOVE TO MY WIFE ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER AFTER HOWARD JUMPS FROM BEHIND THE BASKET BANKS IT OFF THE BACK, AND DUNKS IT WITH HIS HEAD STILL BEHIND THE BASKET LEFT HANDED. THAT'S A 7 FOOTER, IT'S EASY FOR HIM, THAT'S JUST CRAZY, HE'S LIKE A KID OUT THERE.

AFTER THAT GERALD GREEN COMES OUT, PUTS A CUPCAKE ON THE BACK OF THE RIM, BLOWS IT OUT AND DUNKS THE BALL. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HE DIDN'T DO THAT, THAT'S CRAZY TALK; THE SLAM DUNK CONTEST IS BACK. THAT DUNK CONTEST MADE ME WANT TO GO HOME, EAT SOME CUPCAKES AS I'M NAKED IN A BUBBLE BATH, ALL WHILE GETTING FELLATED BY THREE STRIPPERS. HE BLEW THE CUPCAKE OUT PEOPLE, BLEW IT OUT, THAT IS INCREDIBLE. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING NOT GIVING HIM A 50 ON THAT DUNK??

JAMARIO TRIED TO TOP IT ALL BY PUTTING A PIECE OF TAPE 6 FEET BEHIND THE FREE THROW LINE. If he had actually completed it from where the tape was I'd still be yelling now, I would have had to have left and gone home to eat some beignets probably out of hooker's belly button while pleasuring myself with some Huey Lewis and the News on the stereo and American Psycho on the TV. But he didn't, so I stayed.

I liked, but didn't love Gerald Green's next dunk, McCants held the ball up as Green put his head above the rim and caught the ball and did a windmill dunk. It was nice, but I can't see obviously because I wanted him to actually take the ball out of McCants hands instead of McCants actually throwing it higher and making it a more difficult shot.

DWIGHT HOWARD THEN WINS THE CONTEST, THE BIG FELLA WON, SUPERMAN WAS IN THE BUILDING, IT WAS INCREDIBLE, DID YOU SEE IT, THEY EVEN PLAYED THE MUSIC! CHARLES EVEN WANTED TO KNOW IF THIS IS WHERE ARE YOU KIDDING ME HAPPENS. I'M GLAD I DIDN'T GO HOME THEN, BUT I WANTED TO SO I COULD GO LOOK FOR BIGFOOT, OFFER HIM SOME BEEF JERKY, THEN TAKE IT AWAY. THEN I WOULD GIVE IT BACK TO HIM THEN TAKE IT AWAY. THEN I WOULD INVITE HIM OVER TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH ME AND TYRA BANKS. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EPIC, BUT I COULDN'T GO HOME JUST YET SO THE POOR BIGFOOT BIG FELLA HAD TO WAIT FOR NEXT TIME.

GERALD GREEN MADE ME GLAD I STAYED AS HE GOT A PASS FROM BEHIND THE BACKBOARD, PUT IT BETWEEN HIS LEGS AND DUNKED THE BALL DOWN THROUGH THE RIM AND NET. IT DIDN'T MAKE ME WANT TO GO HOME, BUT IT MADE ME WANT TO GO TO THE HOTEL AND SNORT SOME COKE OFF OF SOME CHICK FROM NEW ORLEANS MAMMARIES.

BIG FELLA, BIG FELLA, BIG FELLA, I CAN'T BELIEVE DWIGHT HOWARD DID HIS NEXT DUNK. I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN A VIDEO GAME!!! HE BOUNCED IT OFF THE GROUND, HIT IT WITH HIS LEFT HAND OFF THE BACKBOARD THEN DUNKED IT WITH HIS RIGHT HAND!! I ACTUALLY QUIT MY JOB AND WENT HOME FOR A FEW SECONDS. I THOUGHT THE SUPERMAN WAS TOP 5 ALL TIME, THEN HE WENT AND DID THIS AND NOW HE HAS TWO TOP 5 OF ALL TIME DUNKS!!

I WAS PACKING MY BAGS TO LEAVE WHEN GERALD GREEN DUNKED BAREFOOT, BUT I WAS STILL READY TO GO HOME FROM HOWARD'S DUNK. I WAS READY TO GO DOWN TO BOURBON STREET, DRINK SOME HURRICANE'S, KNOCK UP TWO DIFFERENT CALL GIRLS, EAT SOME MUFFALETTA, THEN DRIVE TO THE AIRPORT, ALL WHILE I WAS TEXTING B FOR DWIGHT HOWARD TO WIN THE WHOLE MAMA-JAMA. I ACTUALLY GAVE DWIGHT MY VOTE FOR MVP OF THE LEAGUE BECAUSE HE WON THE DUNK CONTEST.

THE CRAZY THING IS THAT AFTER ALL THOSE LEGENDARY, AWE-INSPIRING, SPLENDIFEROUS DUNKS, D-HO HAD ONE MORE THAN BLEW MY SOCKS OFF. HE PUT A SMALL BASKET UP THEN PUT A BALL ON IT. HE GRABBED THE BALL FROM UP THERE, DID A WINDMILL AND WON THIS THING GOING AWAY. I MEAN, HE COULD HAVE DONE THIS LAST YEAR, BUT WE MISSED OUT BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN'T COUNT TO 12'6". IF I ACTUALLY TOOK A SECOND TO THINK OF ALL THESE DUNKS AT ONCE WHILE I WAS THERE, I'M PRETTY SURE THAT I WOULD HAVE BEEN ON A PLANE BEFORE I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING, HAVING SEX WITH A STEWARDESS IN FIRST CLASS, WHILE DRINKING FREE FIRST CLASS HURRICANES MADE FROM MIX I BOUGHT AT PAT O'BRIENS, THINKING OF DWIGHT HOWARD INSTEAD OF THE STEWARDESS, EATING BEIGNETS, GETTING READY TO PUNCH MY DOG WHEN I GOT OFF THE PLANE, AND HAVING BIG FOOT SIT NEXT TO ME WATCHING THE WHOLE THING.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

haha, awesome.

Carolyn said...

Stop him before he sub-references again.