Shane Battier Knows White People

Hello, everyone, and welcome to this special edition of “I Know White People”! Our celebrity guests today are members of the Houston Rockets professional basketball team.
(audience cheers wildly)

My name is Chuck Taylor!
(audience golf clap)

Joining us today are Tracy McGrady, Shane Battier, Bonzi Wells and Yao Ming.


Uh, Yao can’t make it today. He said he’d rather be practicing his free throw shooting. I’m filling in for him.




Who are you?






I’m Rafer Alston. You might also know me as “Skip to my Lou” from my time…





Oh, never mind. Moving along, as I am sure the home audience knows our game today is a spin-off of the wildly popular “I Know Black People”. As always, the questions today explore pop culture, slang and stereotypes commonly associated with Caucasians like myself. Let’s find out which of you best knows white people, shall we?


Today’s first question:
What movie won the Oscar for Best Picture from 1996?

Scarface?





Yeah, Scarface! That movie was kick-ass!





No, Scarface is not the correct answer. For one, it did not come out in 1996, and two, it did not win any awards, much less an Oscar.





Bullshit!





Actually, fellas, the winner of the Oscar that year was none other than The English Patient. It was a very touching and heartfelt love story of a nurse attending to a plane crash victim during World War II. Juliette Binoche also won an individual Oscar for Best Supporting Actress and Ralph Fiennes was robbed of his award.


That is correct!







What the?





Now for Today’s second question:
Who won the NEXTEL points championship for NASCAR this year?





NEXTEL? Is that the gay walkie-talking phone thing?





Oh, I know – the dude that has that hot-ass wife. The actress and shit. She was in that movie Heat – now that was a badass movie!




Oh, yeah, Ashley Judd – she’s fine!





Someone mention a white girl?
WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO?!?!





Guys, come on, you’re close but Dario drives in the Indy circuit. NASCAR is a different racing league with different cars. The correct answer is Jimmie Johnson. He also won the race for the Cup in 2006 as well.



Jimmie Johnson? That does sound like a white boy’s name. Is his wife hot?





Uhhhh… I don’t know.





Pardon me, but I would like to point out that Shane’s answer is correct! That’s two for Shane so far!

Today’s third question is:
What is “Generation X”?


X? Is that like all the kids of Malcolm X?





No, dumbass, it’s the disc of remixes from Terminator X – you know, Public Enemy!





Yeah, how’d I forget that?! Damn, I miss Chuck D and even Flava before he went all crazy and shit.




Ummmm, guys, that’s not correct and I fail to see how that has anything to do with today’s topic. Shane, do you know the answer?





Well, Chuck, Generation X is not exactly an official term, but it refers to the generation of people born between the years 1964 and 1980. This generation is also known as the “slacker” generation and the terms have been used interchangeably in pop culture and political discourse.


Man, fuck you and your Duke degree. Did Coach K tell you all these answers?





Wow, Shane, that’s correct!!

Today’s fourth and final question:




Who is this man?

Probably one of Battier’s professors at Duke. Fuck this.





Oh, Novak made me watch Office Space recently, is that Michael Bolton? Novak won’t shut up about that guy.




Dude! It’s not Michael Bolton – that guy sucks!





Actually, Tracy, the man pictured here is Kenny Gorelick, better known to his fans as “Kenny G” – for he is a popular saxophone player and musician. He is best known for Breathless which came out in 1992. It sold a few million copies and made Kenny a household name.


Bitch, I am about to kick your ass.





Wow, Shane, you really do know white people! That is also correct!

Well, that about wraps up today’s show. Our winner and champion in impressive form today is Shane Battier!



[announcer] Congratulations, Shane! For your efforts, your prizes are Season One of the hilarious and thematic TV show thirtysomething on DVD; a family size jar of mayonnaise; and last, but not least, an autographed copy of Kenny G’s Breathless CD!

Wow, thanks! This is awesome!





Say, guys, who are you voting for in 2008?






Obama.





Obama.





yeah, Obama.





Holy shit, I forgot about you Reefer. Thanks for not trying to answer any questions today.





Oh, yeah, sorry about that. I was busy daydreaming about my awesome jumpshot.





What about you, Shane?






Ummm, that’s a personal question and I do not feel comfortable discussing it in such a public forum.




Amazing. You really do know white people, Shane!

Rick Adelman is funny

With the Rockets 9-9 and still carrying the dead weight that is Rafer Alston, at least I can find comfort in the fact that our new head coach has a sense of humor. From today's Chronicle column concerning the Rockets' season-long shooting woes:

"If you're missing shots, you have to do something different," coach Rick Adelman said.

no shit? really? Someone needs to get that memo to Rafer. Maybe 8 copies of it (Rafer better have at least 8 bosses to answer to by now)

Adelman continues his theory:

"You need to attack the basket more, which is one thing we haven't done."

Please, please don't give Rafer any ideas. Encouraging Towelie to attempt layups or that "flip" shot he constantly bricks is a worse idea than the Jump to Conclusions Mat.

Of course, if you wanted to play Kirk Snyder more - he's kinda good at just that very thing - attacking the basket with authority. You might even wanna directly tell McGrady to stop being such a wuss and try a few layups, too. But the rest of the roster lacks that ability to get to the rim and finish. I call that the Kenny Smith syndrome (completely unable to finish simple layups, but for some reason feel more comfortable shooting from 25 feet away).

Oh, wait, Adelman was on a roll, I don't want to stop him:

"We don't take it to one more pass," Adelman said. "When you're not shooting it well, teams are going to adjust and take it to the good shooters. Even when we were 6-1, I was concerned that we weren't getting enough production from other people."

You have Yao and T-Mac. You can't complain about their production. Battier is a solid offensive player, but he seems misused and limited to corner-side three point attempts. And no one is going to confuse Battier with Ray Allen, Michael Redd or even Bruce Bowen. Rafer sucks. Hayes has no offensive game, but he's smart enough to realize this. Scola has potential, but you won't play him enough to find out what he can give you. Stevie was rotting on your bench until recently (though I agree - he is not the solution to your problems). Bonzi theoretically should be this spark to give extra "production" but he must have attended Shaq's fat camp again this past summer - he's moving extra slow.

Maybe the coach should adjust his gameplan to fit his roster??

"You tend to go with what you know is good," Adelman said. "In the long run, you'd like to see them be more facilitators, especially Tracy, where he can get guys other shots."

Hey, maybe find a point guard? Isn't Rafer's entire *job* to be a facilitator of the offense? Oh, wait, yeah, he sucks. And yet he is still starting over Stevie, Mike James AND Aaron Brooks?

If Adelman sticks to this plan, I foresee him taking the Hoosiers approach to extremes - only Yao and T-Mac get to play until the rest of the team learns to follow instructions.

Meanwhile... Shane Battier? You, sir, are not funny:

"It's a different feel. You have to adjust. But as a shooter, you always feel that you're just a shot away."

Simple lesson, Shane. This man is a shooter:

You are NOT this man. You have many skills, Shane, but you are NOT a "shooter." Adjust accordingly.