Let the training camp Battle Royale begin!

With training camp about to begin, there is one primary question associated with the Rockets. No, that question is not "will they ever get out of the first round?" because we know the answer to that is "hell yes, and this year in fact!" Instead, the real question is "who starts at small forward for Houston this year: Shane Battier or Ron Artest?"

Let's face it, the Rockets would not have acquired Ron Artest if we didn't consider there to be at least some sort of a weakness at the small forward position. Shane Battier is great at what he does - which is defend the opposing teams best non-center while staying out of T-Mac and Yao's way on offense. The problem is that this supposed strength is great for the Rockets when they are on the defensive end, but it slows down the offense. SI.com's Marty Burns discussed this exact dilemma today:

The skinny: Don't assume Artest will just step into the starting lineup. Battier is a valuable cog as a long-armed defender and three-point shooter. He also does a lot of other little things that complement Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming. Houston coach Rick Adelman might be reluctant to tinker with success, and instead opt to use Artest off the bench as a sparkplug and scorer much the way the Spurs do with Manu Ginobili. (At the end of games, Adelman can always use Artest and Battier on the floor with T-Mac as the principal ball handler). Artest, by the way, has said he would accept a reserve role.

Here's my concern with Burns' conclusion - yes, the Rockets have seen "success" using Battier as the small forward. But only in the regular season. Come April and May, the offense historically suffers dramatically. This is precisely why the Artest trade was made. Further, even the Spurs typically end up using Ginobili as a starter in the playoffs. Why? You play your best five guys as much as you can for as long as you can. That's what wins in the NBA. Lastly, while Artest says he would accept a reserve role, by December it would probably irritate him to see Shane continue to be a relative non-factor on offense. The last thing the Rockets want is an irritated Crazy Pills. Let's try to avoid this.

Meanwhile, because it is Ron Artest we are talking about... why not have a WWE-style Battle Royale to determine the training camp winner? Shane Battier is basically the whitest non-white dude there is, so I'm almost certain he watches professional wrestling. This could be awesome. Artest diving off the top rope to finish off Battier... only for Battier to be playing possum and roll away from the flying elbow...

Okay, yeah, it's clear I need the NBA to start. As soon as possible.

Shane Battier Knows White People, the sequel

Hello again, everyone! Based on the surprising success and popularity of our last celebrity installment - the network has demanded that I host another edition of "I Know White People"!! [audience cheers wildly - Chuck Taylor mutters "damn you, Chappelle!" under his breath]

For those of you who still do not recognize me, my name is Chuck Taylor and I'll be your host this evening! [audience golf clap]

Again joining us today are members of the professional basketball team from the City of Houston - the Rockets! Today's contestants are Ron Artest, Brent Barry, Joey Dorsey... and our returning champion, Mr. Shane Battier!

Good evening, Mr. Taylor! It's nice to be back!





Yo, 'sup? Am I getting paid for this??







We're getting paid? Sweeeeet. Can I get mine in $1 bills?







Kiss the rings, bitch!!!
Oh, sorry... I always wanted to say that. Hello...




Now, contestants, as I hope you are aware, the purpose of today's contest is to see which of you best knows the habits and tendencies of pigment-challenged Americans. As always, the questions will explore pop culture, slang and stereotypes commonly associated with Caucasians like myself. Let us once again find out which of you best knows white people, shall we?

Today's first question:
Who performed and recorded the song "Achy Breaky Heart?"

It wasn't me. Hey, Chuck, did you know I'm a recording artist, too? I have a new album coming out. Tru Warier records! Look for me... I'm a rapper! I'd never name no song "Achy Breaky Heart" though. That shit sounds gay.



Yeah! That sounds weak. Unlike my dunks - which are nothing but strong!





Bitch, please - no way your white ass can dunk.





But I can! I have! Really!!





[rolling his eyes] Yes, Mr. Barry, I believe you, but I need an answer to the question. How about you, Shane? Do you know?





But of course, Chuck! The song "Achy Breaky Heart" was originally performed by the Marcy Brothers, but was later re-recorded and made famous by Billy Ray Cyrus for his 1992 album "Some Gave All". Some would say it is his signature song.



That is correct!






Wait... did you say "Cyrus"? Like that Miley Cyrus chick I saw some half-naked pictures of on the Internet? Best $19.95 I spent that month. Teenagers today are crazy cool! I love the Internet.



Thanks for sharing, Mr. Barry. Please never do that again. Ever.






Now, for our next question:
Who was the first winner of the TV show "Dancing with the Stars" in the U.S.?


Someone say "dancers"? Cool, I needed a lap dance. Here's $20! Put on some music Chucky! And where are the girls??




Rookie gets no nookie!! Shut the fuck up and go get me a sandwich, chump!
[Joey Dorsey slowly walks off the set with bug eyes]




Ummm, wow. Mr. Artest you are starting to scare me. Shane, is it possible you know the answer to this?





Certainly, Mr. Taylor! While the United States was not the first to air "Dancing with the Stars" the first winner in this country was a soap opera star named Kelly Monaco. Her partner was Alec Mazo. There was actually some controversy.......




Yeah, there's controversy - cause that chick ain't famous for bein' on a soap opera. No, I've seen that chick naked on the Internet. A lot!! Thank you, Hugh Hefner! I love you, man!



Mr. Barry, please don't interrupt. And keep your hands where I can see them! Nonetheless, Shane - that is correct!!





[runs back onto the set with Ron Artest's sandwich] Yo, that girl could dance for me any day! I might even give her $40!




[looks at sandwich]
Bitch -- this has mayonnaise on it!! The fuck is wrong with you, rookie!?!




Mr. Artest, please, can we try to focus on the show? Please??? Anyway, uhh, yeah, let's just go to the next question.






Our third question today:
What 1975 movie parodies King Arthur's court and a search for a chalice of spiritual importance?


A chalice? Sounds like a pimp to me! It's good to be a King. Just not a Sacramento King. On that note, I certainly wasn't paid like a King when I played for the Kings. Do you see the irony in that, Chuck??? Do you?!?!



No, no I don't Ron. I have no idea what you are talking about.






I was once king of the Slam Dunk competition... true story. Really.





I get treated like a king every time I go to the club. VIP and stuff. The girls love the J-Train. I got a room named after me in Memphis and everything!




I give up! Shane, do you know the answer?






I think I do, Mr. Taylor. Are you referring to the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail? I love that movie. John Cleese always cracks me up. I keep trying to get Dikembe to watch it with me...



nah, Dikembe's too busy showing me the ropes -- if ya know what I mean. And by "ropes" I mean he's taking me to every club in Houston and announcing "Who wants to sex Mutombo?" I've tried to say "Who wants to sex Dorsey?" but Mutombo hit me with an elbow last time I did that. At least I hope it was his elbow.


[hangs head in shame]
Shane... your answer is correct. And now, before I kill myself, I'm going to ask one more question of the group.




Tonight's final question:
Who is this man?


That mo-fo looks like Santa Claus got a dye job!





Yo, playin' Santa Claus is fun... every Christmas I get every girl to sit on my lap. And I give 'em exactly what they want. Even if they say "no"... 'cause you know they mean "yes"!



Is that our head coach?





No, wait, is that the Monty Python pimp you were asking about earlier?





[muttering to himself]
yeah, gotta keep them ho's in check with my pimp hand...




Actually, guys, that's Wayne Newton! You know, "Mr. Las Vegas"! He's an icon! He is the epitome of coolness! I love that guy!




there is nothing even remotely cool about that ugly mo-fo.
The fuck is up with his hair?




Oh, man, Las Vegas! Now there are some dirty girls out in Las Vegas! Me and Coach Cal once had a crazy night out there... And the only gambling I did was whether I'd be gettin' some nasty disease after picking a skank outta that lineup of options at the Bunny Ranch!


Now, Joseph, you've got to treat women with more respect than that. Especially now that you are a professional athlete and represent Houston!




Yo, if I weren't a professional athlete there's no way I'd be able to keep up with them girls. And now I can finally afford the champagne room. Damn I'm gonna love Houston!



Ahhhhh, enough! That's it. I can't take it anymore. I need a shower.






Shane Battier, after correctly answering all four of tonight's questions, you are once again the winner of "I Know White People"!! Congratulations!

However, because the FCC is going to probably fine us a few hundred thousand dollars for even considering having Mr. Artest and Mr. Dorsey on this show, we didn't have much money for prizes. So, please enjoy this used DVD of Season 1 of "Three's Company" and may I never, ever have to host a game show again. Ever.

[Chuck storms off the set]

Yo, Chuck, where you goin'???





Oh, yeah, the buffet starts soon!
Chris Rock was wrong - titties and tater-tots DO mix. And I like it!




But... guys... come on... we have practice tomorrow!!!





[end show / credits roll]

Yao is Angry

... and this is a good thing.

Rockets fall back to .500 and mediocrity after a 100-88 loss to the Sixers. Wait a second, we lost to freakin' Philadelphia. They have an aging Andre Miller (still better than Rafer) and Andre Iguodola - and that's it. They just fired their GM last week because he spent 10 years killing the franchise. And we just lost to them?

Yao post game: "When you are soft yourself, everything will feel tough," he said. "It's not because they are so tough. It's because of how soft we are."

It's hard to argue with that. The Rockets lack an enforcer of any sort. Chuck does the dirty work, but isn't exactly Dennis Rodman crazy. Bonzi *is* crazy, but he's too out of shape to start (or finish) a fight. McGrady's back could lock up at any moment. Dikembe just makes people laugh. Rafer sucks at everything, so I don't expect him to be any good at sparking some anger in the team. And Battier is the whitest man alive.

From the game recap:

Until the fourth quarter, when Adelman benched his starters, the most emotion the Rockets demonstrated came with a brief shouting match between Shane Battier and Mike James.

It's not exactly going to rise to the level of Kobe and the FatAss throwing down on the Court, and Mike James was probably just telling Battier to wipe that stupid look off his face - kinda like Butters getting grounded for looking funny in his school pictures.

One more game like this, and Yao should begin running amok and killing everyone in alphabetical order... beginning with you, Mr. Alston.