Hey, Sports Guy... you're On Notice, too!

For someone who claims to be a rather knowledgeable NBA fan... Bill Simmons can be amazingly stupid when it comes to basic basketball analysis. And yet he wants to be GM of the Bucks. Sure.

(And yes, I am aware I can always just link to his "the Magic will regret taking Dwight Howard over Emeka Okafor" statement after the 2004 NBA draft - but that's too easy.)

Today's randomly dumb statement about the Houston Rockets? Aww, screw it, let's post the whole thing:

3. HOUSTON (48-23)

Scouting report: They won 22 straight games thanks to great chemistry, great defense, great ball movement, a super-easy schedule, a couple of breaks (like Nowitzki's one-game suspension) and some inspired play from T-Mac and Rafer Alston ... in the big scheme of things, it's not going to matter because any team with size (like Phoenix) or superior team defense (like San Antonio or Boston) is going to beat them ... whatever happens in the playoffs, it's absolutely astonishing how much they don't miss Yao Ming.

Biggest strength: Chemistry and defense. That's how you win 22 straight. And by the way, that was freaking amazing. I still can't get over that streak. No matter how easy their schedule was, for a team without superior talent to get by 22 straight teams without getting derailed by one bad break, one bad call, one white-hot shooting performance, one injury or one off-night is absolutely unfathomable. That was like watching someone catch fire at a craps table for two solid hours without crapping out.

Biggest weaknesses: Lack of size; lack of anyone who can create scoring opportunities other than T-Mac; lack of playoff success for their best player; lack of overall talent. Other than that, they're in good shape.

Biggest X-Factor: Rafer Alston. Just look at his month-by-month splits and throw in the fact that he's been playing fantastic defense. Where did these last two months come from? Frankly, I'm a little frightened. I like things to make sense and this makes absolutely no sense.

Unsung Hero: According to John Hollinger's PER ratings, Shane Battier is the 45th best small forward in the league right now. I give up. Uncle. I can't fight the good fight anymore. Somebody else needs to take over.

Best-case opponent: Golden State or Denver.
Worst-case opponent: Everyone else.

Prediction: The sixth seed and a thrashing from San Antonio in round one.

Eventual 2007-08 Legacy: For the rest of eternity, they'll show that "Longest NBA Winning Streaks" graphic during an NBA game and viewers will say, "'72 Lakers, '08 Rockets, '00 Lakers, '71 Bucks ... wait a second, what????"

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Where to begin?

Let's see... during that 22 game winning streak... the Rockets beat Cleveland (twice), New Orleans (twice), Denver, Dallas, Portland, Golden State AND the Lakers. So, ten of those 22 games were against some of the better teams in the NBA, including 4-5 of the teams that will make the Western Conference playoffs. And we did 45% of that without Yao. But yeah, it was about the schedule. Sure.

Everyone wants to rip on our supposed lack of talent. Simmons, Ian Thomsen, SAS, etc. To hell with 'em. While Rafer is definitely a question mark... T-Mac, Luis Scola, Carl Landry, Battier and Bobby Jackson are rather skilled specimens when it comes to the ability to play basketball. You don't win 22 games in a freakin' row in the NBA just because you are lucky and try hard.

So according to SG we're only in good shape if we play Golden State or Denver. Even though we've shown we can beat Dallas (who is without Dirk again) in Dallas, the Lakers AND New Orleans - all without the services of Mr. Yao Ming.

What it should say: "best-case - anyone but San Antonio." I legitimately believe we are in good shape to play and defeat anyone in a 7-game series. Even the Spurs. I'd prefer to avoid San Antonio as long as possible though.

Also, since it appears that Simmons lacks an editor - the last comment about the Streaks - the order should be '72 Lakers, '08 Rockets, '71 Bucks and then the '00 Lakers. The team he wants to be GM for won more in a row than the Shaq/Kobe Lakers. You thought Simmons would know that. And we all thought wrong.

I'd also be remiss if I didn't point out this little nugget at the end of his column today... "Whether [Kobe Bryant] wins the MVP award or Chris Paul wins it, we haven't seen two better individual seasons in the same year since Jordan and Barkley in 1993."

WTF? Yo, Sports Guy - Hakeem Olajuwon should have been MVP in 1992-1993. Look at the freakin' stats! Jordan won the ring that year, yes (thanks for nothing Kenny Smith), but Hakeem was DPOY and was clearly better than Barkley. He just didn't give as good a sound bite.

Enough hating on the Rockets, Simmons.
But I guess I should expect nothing less from a bitter Clippers fan.

A day of praise for those not quite good enough

The NBA All-Star starters were announced over the weekend. Yao and 9 other dudes made the lineup for the East and the West. Meanwhile, T-Mac can make different weekend vacation plans this year.

Sometime today, the rest of the All Star rosters will be announced. No, I do not expect T-Mac to be named as a reserve either. T-Mac even said he doesn't want to be on the team. Because I have to wait another day for the Rockets to play, and the Pacer/Rocket preview will be posted tomorrow when I find the time... today I present who *I* think should be named to the All Star team (and let's just say it's decidedly different than Marc Stein's opinion).

Western Conference

starters: C- Yao, PF - Duncan, SF - Carmelo (??), SG - Kobe, other G - Iverson (he sure as hell isn't a point guard).

This leaves seven more positions to fill, 2 guards, 2 forwards, a center and two "miscellaneous" types to reward those for good behavior who weren't quite good enough to be obvious picks.

Guards

Chris Paul
Steve Nash

Anyone who suggests anyone else to be a guard on the Western team is off smoking crack with the aforementioned Mr. Stein. CP3 is having the best statistical season for a PG since Kevin Johnson was rountinely tossing out 20 points and 10 assists a game for Phoenix. And the Hornets would be the #1 seed if the playoffs started. Paul is in. Nash is Nash... even though I don't trust him with his beady eyes and flapping head, he's a two-time MVP who is actually playng better this year than in the MVP seasons. Besides, if I didn't pick Nash, he'd probably charge at me with his hockey stick or whatever weapon he might be carrying.

Forwards

Dirk Nowitzki
Carlos Boozer

Dirk is obvious. Reigning MVP for a tough Dallas team who is once again one of the best players in the NBA. Easy decision. Boozer is not so easy. I hate rewarding disloyal guys who stab blind men in the front for more money. Plus he went to Duke. Fuck him. And yet... Boozer is playing out of his freakin' mind this year. Double-doubles are overrated, but he's a league leader there. Aw, hell, I hate talking about Jazz players. Moving along. Sorry, T-Mac, I can't pick you either. It would be wrong and shamelessly homer-ific of me.

Center

Chris Kaman

Anyone who says "Marcus Camby" can bite me. For that is the wrong answer. He wouldn't even be in the top 3 choices for reserve center. Amare Stoudemire, Chris Kaman and Tyson Chandler are ALL playing better than Camby. Camby is great at rebounds, blocking shots, and leaving the guy he's guarding open while he tries to block shots. He is not great at scoring points or contributing in other ways. Sorry, that's not all-star worthy to me. My pick is Kaman. The Caveman plays on an injury-riddled team that's missing Elton Brand. So what does the Hogan look-a-like do? He starts playing like Elton freakin' Brand! Much respect. And it allows Yao to crack jokes about how you can't f--kin' stop him all weekend. I can't overlook that.

2 more

Well, I gotta pick two more to fill spots...

Amare Stoudemire
Brandon Roy

Stoudemire plays no defense at all and is generally perceived to be quite the dumbass. But he's exactly what we want to see in an All-Star Game. So, he's in. Brandon Roy has led a very, very young Portland team to a potential playoff run. And he impressed the hell out of me last week during the Rockets victory over them. Sorry, Deron Williams, no way I put two Jazz players on my roster. And Baron Davis? I saw his 6-22 effort on Tuesday... no way he's an All-Star over these other guys. Stephen Jackson? I like you, but no. Manu? Mr. Eva Longoria? Oh, hell no - Timmy made you guys famous, and if I put any other Spur on the roster we all know it would be Robert Horry. Spare me your sob stories!!

Projected MVP? CP3. Or Kobe. One of the two. Kobe is the only guy who takes these games seriously... and CP3 is playing at home.

What's that? You want to know who I'd pick for the Eastern Conference? Uh, other than KG and LeBron, who gives a shit? the Eastern Conference sucks and I only want to know who makes the East roster just to make sure that the Fat Ass does NOT make the team. Even though he's begging and pleading, yet his own coach doesn't fully support him. Shut yo' trap, Shaq. You are not an All Star anymore.

An All-Star photo essay

The end.