Dunk Contest Recap by Kenny Smith

Hey everyone, this is Kenny Smith, here to give you a little review of the NBA dunk contest! For some reason this contest really turned me into Stephen A. Smith and I wanted to scream my joy from the top of Mt. Everest.

I'm just going to skip over Rudy Gay's dunks as they were nice, but made me want to go home so that I didn't have to watch them. Those dunks just weren't going to get it done son.

JAMARIO, JAMARIO, JAMARIO, STARTS US OFF WITH A SENSATIONAL DUNK DOING A 360, THAT'S RIGHT A 360 DUNK THAT HE SELF ALLEY-OOPED OFF THE FLOOR, I WANTED TO GO HOME THINKING THE CONTEST WAS OVER RIGHT THEN AND THERE

THEN D-HO COMES OUT AND MAKES ME SHOUT, I WAS GOING TO GO HOME, PUNCH MY DOG AND THEN MAKE SWEET LOVE TO MY WIFE ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER AFTER HOWARD JUMPS FROM BEHIND THE BASKET BANKS IT OFF THE BACK, AND DUNKS IT WITH HIS HEAD STILL BEHIND THE BASKET LEFT HANDED. THAT'S A 7 FOOTER, IT'S EASY FOR HIM, THAT'S JUST CRAZY, HE'S LIKE A KID OUT THERE.

AFTER THAT GERALD GREEN COMES OUT, PUTS A CUPCAKE ON THE BACK OF THE RIM, BLOWS IT OUT AND DUNKS THE BALL. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HE DIDN'T DO THAT, THAT'S CRAZY TALK; THE SLAM DUNK CONTEST IS BACK. THAT DUNK CONTEST MADE ME WANT TO GO HOME, EAT SOME CUPCAKES AS I'M NAKED IN A BUBBLE BATH, ALL WHILE GETTING FELLATED BY THREE STRIPPERS. HE BLEW THE CUPCAKE OUT PEOPLE, BLEW IT OUT, THAT IS INCREDIBLE. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING NOT GIVING HIM A 50 ON THAT DUNK??

JAMARIO TRIED TO TOP IT ALL BY PUTTING A PIECE OF TAPE 6 FEET BEHIND THE FREE THROW LINE. If he had actually completed it from where the tape was I'd still be yelling now, I would have had to have left and gone home to eat some beignets probably out of hooker's belly button while pleasuring myself with some Huey Lewis and the News on the stereo and American Psycho on the TV. But he didn't, so I stayed.

I liked, but didn't love Gerald Green's next dunk, McCants held the ball up as Green put his head above the rim and caught the ball and did a windmill dunk. It was nice, but I can't see obviously because I wanted him to actually take the ball out of McCants hands instead of McCants actually throwing it higher and making it a more difficult shot.

DWIGHT HOWARD THEN WINS THE CONTEST, THE BIG FELLA WON, SUPERMAN WAS IN THE BUILDING, IT WAS INCREDIBLE, DID YOU SEE IT, THEY EVEN PLAYED THE MUSIC! CHARLES EVEN WANTED TO KNOW IF THIS IS WHERE ARE YOU KIDDING ME HAPPENS. I'M GLAD I DIDN'T GO HOME THEN, BUT I WANTED TO SO I COULD GO LOOK FOR BIGFOOT, OFFER HIM SOME BEEF JERKY, THEN TAKE IT AWAY. THEN I WOULD GIVE IT BACK TO HIM THEN TAKE IT AWAY. THEN I WOULD INVITE HIM OVER TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH ME AND TYRA BANKS. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EPIC, BUT I COULDN'T GO HOME JUST YET SO THE POOR BIGFOOT BIG FELLA HAD TO WAIT FOR NEXT TIME.

GERALD GREEN MADE ME GLAD I STAYED AS HE GOT A PASS FROM BEHIND THE BACKBOARD, PUT IT BETWEEN HIS LEGS AND DUNKED THE BALL DOWN THROUGH THE RIM AND NET. IT DIDN'T MAKE ME WANT TO GO HOME, BUT IT MADE ME WANT TO GO TO THE HOTEL AND SNORT SOME COKE OFF OF SOME CHICK FROM NEW ORLEANS MAMMARIES.

BIG FELLA, BIG FELLA, BIG FELLA, I CAN'T BELIEVE DWIGHT HOWARD DID HIS NEXT DUNK. I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN A VIDEO GAME!!! HE BOUNCED IT OFF THE GROUND, HIT IT WITH HIS LEFT HAND OFF THE BACKBOARD THEN DUNKED IT WITH HIS RIGHT HAND!! I ACTUALLY QUIT MY JOB AND WENT HOME FOR A FEW SECONDS. I THOUGHT THE SUPERMAN WAS TOP 5 ALL TIME, THEN HE WENT AND DID THIS AND NOW HE HAS TWO TOP 5 OF ALL TIME DUNKS!!

I WAS PACKING MY BAGS TO LEAVE WHEN GERALD GREEN DUNKED BAREFOOT, BUT I WAS STILL READY TO GO HOME FROM HOWARD'S DUNK. I WAS READY TO GO DOWN TO BOURBON STREET, DRINK SOME HURRICANE'S, KNOCK UP TWO DIFFERENT CALL GIRLS, EAT SOME MUFFALETTA, THEN DRIVE TO THE AIRPORT, ALL WHILE I WAS TEXTING B FOR DWIGHT HOWARD TO WIN THE WHOLE MAMA-JAMA. I ACTUALLY GAVE DWIGHT MY VOTE FOR MVP OF THE LEAGUE BECAUSE HE WON THE DUNK CONTEST.

THE CRAZY THING IS THAT AFTER ALL THOSE LEGENDARY, AWE-INSPIRING, SPLENDIFEROUS DUNKS, D-HO HAD ONE MORE THAN BLEW MY SOCKS OFF. HE PUT A SMALL BASKET UP THEN PUT A BALL ON IT. HE GRABBED THE BALL FROM UP THERE, DID A WINDMILL AND WON THIS THING GOING AWAY. I MEAN, HE COULD HAVE DONE THIS LAST YEAR, BUT WE MISSED OUT BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN'T COUNT TO 12'6". IF I ACTUALLY TOOK A SECOND TO THINK OF ALL THESE DUNKS AT ONCE WHILE I WAS THERE, I'M PRETTY SURE THAT I WOULD HAVE BEEN ON A PLANE BEFORE I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING, HAVING SEX WITH A STEWARDESS IN FIRST CLASS, WHILE DRINKING FREE FIRST CLASS HURRICANES MADE FROM MIX I BOUGHT AT PAT O'BRIENS, THINKING OF DWIGHT HOWARD INSTEAD OF THE STEWARDESS, EATING BEIGNETS, GETTING READY TO PUNCH MY DOG WHEN I GOT OFF THE PLANE, AND HAVING BIG FOOT SIT NEXT TO ME WATCHING THE WHOLE THING.

While I was away...

I haven't written anything in 4-5 days. Then again, it's going to be hard to top the Princess Bride moment of inspiration. Or Lee's President's Day post. Besides, after two birthday parties over the weekend plus a, um, eventful and drunken Valentine's Day - what else was there to write about?

Oh, yeah, the All Star game.

I guess I should do a token analysis. We did have a few players there. I can't figure out what Dikembe was doing there though. Other than cheering for every dunk, even the ones that suck. Gotta love the cookie monster.

The Dunk Contest. Yeah, Dwight Howard was impressive. The self-alley-oop off the backboard. The behind-the-backboard left handed dunk. The little basket prop. And the non-dunk Superman Dunk. All insanely impressive.

Gerald Green had two impressive dunks as well. But he showed a complete absence of anything resembling charisma. Except for that "Houston" tattoo he has.

The contest itself was sorely lacking in this though:

Dunking Power Dancers. You can't beat that Dwight.
But you have proven that you can knock them up!

We will not discuss the Rookie Game. Scola has a gold freakin' medal. He has no use for standing around to watch former University of Texas players chuck three-pointers. Boobie shot TWENTY 3s in one game?!?!?

What about the All Star Game itself?

Hmmmm, no Kobe. No KG. And no one would pass the ball to Yao. Boring. I think I only watched about half the game. Ray Allen misses two FTs, but makes the important 3-pointers? Yeah, that makes sense.

Rockets v. Cleveland tomorrow night. Going for 9 in a row. That's what matters!

Don't Mess with the Commish (or Texas)

Yesterday I saw on ESPNews that Kevin Garnett would not be playing in the All Star game next weekend. Bummer. And that he would be replaced by Rasheed Wallace. My first thought was that it was disappointing that the 1st Half MVP would not be able to partake in the festivities...

My second thought was that it is rather magnanimous of David Stern to choose Rasheed over, say, Ray Allen to replace KG in the game. I think Rasheed might be the only guy in the NBA who gets under the Commish's skin more than Mark Cuban. And Stern seems to be the kind of guy who just might hold a grudge.

Turns out... this just might be one subtle way of Stern sticking it to Rasheed. Why?

Rasheed did not want to go to the game.

'Sheed had an exotic weekend vacation get-a-way all planned out. And now he's required to spend three days in New Orleans. Not exactly a relaxing island resort. Rasheed openly campaigned NOT to be selected as a reserve. No one listened. To quote from the Detroit News:

"When told he was hand-picked by commissioner David Stern to replace Garnett, Wallace gave a wry smile and said, 'It's a prestigious honor and a great pleasure.'" Something tells me what Rasheed really wanted to say included a few choice four letter words and maybe a guarantee (we all know how much he likes his guarantees).

The lesson? Don't fuck with David Stern.


Hey, 'Sheed, have fun getting dunked on by Yao next Sunday!

Ha ha! Suck it, Fat Ass!

Shaquille O'Neal. Not an All Star. Haha!!

The streak is over, bitch! It is no longer 1993.

Yao is King. Shaq is merely a pawn in Yao's world now.
Suck it, Fat Ass!

(When you properly thank Kobe, Horry and the 2006 NBA referees for your rings, then maybe I'll stop laughing at you)

A day of praise for those not quite good enough

The NBA All-Star starters were announced over the weekend. Yao and 9 other dudes made the lineup for the East and the West. Meanwhile, T-Mac can make different weekend vacation plans this year.

Sometime today, the rest of the All Star rosters will be announced. No, I do not expect T-Mac to be named as a reserve either. T-Mac even said he doesn't want to be on the team. Because I have to wait another day for the Rockets to play, and the Pacer/Rocket preview will be posted tomorrow when I find the time... today I present who *I* think should be named to the All Star team (and let's just say it's decidedly different than Marc Stein's opinion).

Western Conference

starters: C- Yao, PF - Duncan, SF - Carmelo (??), SG - Kobe, other G - Iverson (he sure as hell isn't a point guard).

This leaves seven more positions to fill, 2 guards, 2 forwards, a center and two "miscellaneous" types to reward those for good behavior who weren't quite good enough to be obvious picks.

Guards

Chris Paul
Steve Nash

Anyone who suggests anyone else to be a guard on the Western team is off smoking crack with the aforementioned Mr. Stein. CP3 is having the best statistical season for a PG since Kevin Johnson was rountinely tossing out 20 points and 10 assists a game for Phoenix. And the Hornets would be the #1 seed if the playoffs started. Paul is in. Nash is Nash... even though I don't trust him with his beady eyes and flapping head, he's a two-time MVP who is actually playng better this year than in the MVP seasons. Besides, if I didn't pick Nash, he'd probably charge at me with his hockey stick or whatever weapon he might be carrying.

Forwards

Dirk Nowitzki
Carlos Boozer

Dirk is obvious. Reigning MVP for a tough Dallas team who is once again one of the best players in the NBA. Easy decision. Boozer is not so easy. I hate rewarding disloyal guys who stab blind men in the front for more money. Plus he went to Duke. Fuck him. And yet... Boozer is playing out of his freakin' mind this year. Double-doubles are overrated, but he's a league leader there. Aw, hell, I hate talking about Jazz players. Moving along. Sorry, T-Mac, I can't pick you either. It would be wrong and shamelessly homer-ific of me.

Center

Chris Kaman

Anyone who says "Marcus Camby" can bite me. For that is the wrong answer. He wouldn't even be in the top 3 choices for reserve center. Amare Stoudemire, Chris Kaman and Tyson Chandler are ALL playing better than Camby. Camby is great at rebounds, blocking shots, and leaving the guy he's guarding open while he tries to block shots. He is not great at scoring points or contributing in other ways. Sorry, that's not all-star worthy to me. My pick is Kaman. The Caveman plays on an injury-riddled team that's missing Elton Brand. So what does the Hogan look-a-like do? He starts playing like Elton freakin' Brand! Much respect. And it allows Yao to crack jokes about how you can't f--kin' stop him all weekend. I can't overlook that.

2 more

Well, I gotta pick two more to fill spots...

Amare Stoudemire
Brandon Roy

Stoudemire plays no defense at all and is generally perceived to be quite the dumbass. But he's exactly what we want to see in an All-Star Game. So, he's in. Brandon Roy has led a very, very young Portland team to a potential playoff run. And he impressed the hell out of me last week during the Rockets victory over them. Sorry, Deron Williams, no way I put two Jazz players on my roster. And Baron Davis? I saw his 6-22 effort on Tuesday... no way he's an All-Star over these other guys. Stephen Jackson? I like you, but no. Manu? Mr. Eva Longoria? Oh, hell no - Timmy made you guys famous, and if I put any other Spur on the roster we all know it would be Robert Horry. Spare me your sob stories!!

Projected MVP? CP3. Or Kobe. One of the two. Kobe is the only guy who takes these games seriously... and CP3 is playing at home.

What's that? You want to know who I'd pick for the Eastern Conference? Uh, other than KG and LeBron, who gives a shit? the Eastern Conference sucks and I only want to know who makes the East roster just to make sure that the Fat Ass does NOT make the team. Even though he's begging and pleading, yet his own coach doesn't fully support him. Shut yo' trap, Shaq. You are not an All Star anymore.

Scola is in!

Not only is Luis Scola now a starter for the Rockets...

but he's also been named to the T-Mobile Rookie Challenge and Youth Jam "Rookie" team!

(I think the true challenge is just saying the full name of the sponsor for the game.)



Scola seems very excited to be honored in this way...

of course, I don't expect Scola to do much in the game itself other than grab a few rebounds, throw a few elbows and maybe start a skirmish or two. Scoring points? Unlikely - for the odds of Durant actually passing the ball are non-existent.

Oh, and Aaron Brooks got hosed in the selection process.

The Best in the League!

Congratulations to Yao Ming for his sixth consecutive All Star game start this year. That's one start for every season in the league. He's the best center in the league in my eyes, and if everyone else would open theirs he would be the best in their eyes as well.

Tracy was narrowly edged out by AI, who is much more deserving this year than TMac, but about 50% as deserving as Chris Paul was. If the NBA was going to stack the ballot box for Tracy to get his wish of not playing (and I honestly 100% believe they did), why not do it with Chris Paul? I know he was further behind Tracy, but come on, you could have made an easy argument him or Nash before you did Iverson.

Congrats again to Yao, keep kicking ass big man!

Awesome, yet completely random statistic

The most recent NBA All-Star ballots have Yao and Tracy McGrady set to be starters again. This is not a surprise, nor is it really news.

*This* is the news and the basis for this short post:

Western Conference Voting

Forwards

Carmelo Anthony, Denver, 767,722; Tim Duncan, San Antonio, 722,059; Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas, 686,853; Carlos Boozer, Utah, 281,299; Josh Howard, Dallas, 251,756; Shawn Marion, Phoenix, 240,752; Shane Battier, Houston, 227,112; Luis Scola, Houston, 222,896; Kevin Durant, Seattle, 191,542; Grant Hill, Phoenix, 152,898.

Read that again.........

Luis Scola has over 30,000 more votes than Kevin freakin' Durant!

giggity, giggity!