The Groaning Groin

(With apologies to Matt over at DaGoodDaBadDemeco for blatantly stealing his format)

Vagina: Have you seen this fucker play lately? We have to stop it from constantly happening.

Groin: What the hell are you thinking about doing? Last time you got mad you leaked on me.

Vagina: Seriously, I’m an actual pussy, Towelie is giving even me a bad name.

Groin: In no way did that answer my question

Vagina: I’m thinking about fucking you up, that’s what I’m thinking about doing.

Groin: Wait, why me? What did I do to you???

Vagina: You could have locked legs and not let the bad man penetrate me!

Groin: What are you talking about? You just sat there and made noise, how was I supposed to know you didn’t want it?

Vagina: I was screaming for help mother fucker, I know Towelie wanted it but I can’t control his thoughts. If I was a penis I would run this shit, but NOOOO, I had to go and be a Vagina.

Groin: I thought Towelie wasn’t penetrating to the basket because he was getting so much penetration by other point guards on you. How am I to know that you weren’t down for the lovin?

Vagina: Again, I was screaming no, don’t let every PG in the NBA gangbang me. But you did nothing about it, you just spread the legs.

Legs: Keep us out of this, we just walk and run, we have nothing to do with your squabble.

Groin: I don’t want to hurt again, the last time he walked around and just “dealt with the pain”, I can’t go through that again, I think he liked the pain, he kept saying “I like it when I call you big poppa” after Chris Paul crossed us over.

Vagina: You should have thought about that before, shouldn’t you!

Groin: I swear I didn’t know, honest, all I know is that the brain says spread them legs and I do it. How am I supposed to control him getting fucked by the many players of the NBA? At least it’s only 6’2 point guards.

Vagina: I don’t care, ignorance is not an excuse.

Groin: Fucking brain, why can’t you teach him how to shoot? And don’t think you’re getting off easy hands. You used to be able to at least dribble the damn ball, now you can’t do that AND you can’t put yourselves in the right position to make a shot.

Hands: Fuck you groin! That’s not on us, he trained us to do it this way, I keep trying to swap to the right position and the brain tells me that I have memory to do it another way, that’s why you see air-balls mixed in with the bottom of the net. Sometimes we win, sometimes we don’t.

Vagina: Enough of this bullshit, hey look, it’s Stevie Francis driving on us in practice

Groin: [Opening the legs]

Vagina: nooommmmfffph mmmmnooofffph

Francis: I just made you my bitch again Towelie!!

Vagina: THAT’S IT GROIN! Take that bitch!

Groin: OUUUUCCHHHHHH, M$%$#@F(*%er that hurts!!! Somebody help me! I’m strained like your grandma’s peas!!

Vagina: See how it feels to get fucked groin???

Bill Worrel: Rafer Alston is out tonight with a strained groin injury.

Groin: Thank you for not playing Towelie! Thank you so very much!

News: Rafer is still day to day with a strained groin, now maybe, just maybe TMac can stop his “Take his ball and go home routine” and actually let Francis get into the offense. I’ve seen you pass Towelie the ball on open threes repeatedly, where is the same respect for Francis? Hell, you finally passed it to him in the third and he was so surprised that he didn’t know what to do. I get it, he gets it, you’re Houston basketball; no one cares if you don’t win. Now play within the offense!! And for the love of jeebus, get Yao the ball in the post!